Auschwitz-Birkenau

Going in, I knew it was going to be hard to handle. At first, I was a little naïve about the impact it would have on me. This was not a bucket list item that I wanted to check off. This was a duty of mine as a human on this earth to go. I needed to go so that hopefully by even a fraction, we take one more step as humankind to keep the memory burning. This memory is dark but needed so we realize the value of human lives. Realize the power we have as humans. Realize how hatred and annihilation are never the answer.

I have been to the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. and was heavily affected by the photos, videos, stories, and items there. As I took my first step under the sign saying “Arbeit Macht Frei” all those emotions and images came flooding back into my mind. My stomach immediately went into knots as I imagined myself as a prisoner at Auschwitz. The fear. The confusion. The hurt. It put me into what I can only describe as a shock as much as I wanted to look around and take it all in, sometimes I could not help but cast my eyes to the ground. I felt shame. Shame for every bad thought that has and ever would go through my brain. Shame in the human race and how we could treat one another so terribly. Shame that I am still alive when all those people were murdered. As the tour went along, these feelings only intensified. It was a beautiful fall day, but my insides felt like the wintry sea. Cold and hopeless. Rocky and mix of emotions. Huge waves and the inability to hold back tears. I found myself retreating back into my own little world. Barely talking, back of the group, trying to process all my feelings. I forced myself to imagine myself as one of the prisoners of Auschwitz-Birkenau. What it would have felt like in these different situations.

I was a woman who had just gotten her long, beautiful hair shaven.

I was a small child who just was separated from my parents.

I was a naked man walking into the gas chambers, where I thought I was getting a bath.

I was a teenage boy, who had the task of carrying the dead members of my community to be cremated.

Even writing this, the tears and memories start to flow. I barely took any pictures. I left my DSLR camera at the hostel, locked away. These places where pain and suffering of millions should not be photographed like everything else. Auschwitz-Birkenau will forever be ingrained in my memory. I do not need pictures for that. When I close my eyes, it is all still there.

The 2000 kilograms of hair.

The thousands of shoes.

The numerous pots and cups that were brought with.

The piles of hairbrushes and razors.

The still lingering smell of human flesh.

The scratch marks in the gas chamber.

The rows of buildings where these people lived.

The cell where Maximilian Kolbe died, in turn saving a life that would eventually be liberated.

I will forever be linked to this place. This was one of the toughest places I have gone. My emotions are ripped to shreds and I am left with the question, “Where do I go from here?” I want my response to be love and tolerance. Of understanding that even though this happened in the past, it is still very much so present. There have been two Holocaust survivors that have died this year. We cannot let their stories die out with them. Walking throughout the camps, I could feel their presence. The veil is thin between the human and divine worlds in a place like this. The concentration camps are a somber place where my whole body felt out of place. I am privileged to be able to visit places of such horror so that I can learn. This visit taught me how I need to place love above everything else. How I need to call out injustices and work to create a better world. We cannot accept anything that resembles the Holocaust to ever happen again. It is our duty as members of the human race to change for the better and make sure that our future is better than our past.

Through all of these raging emotions that twisted my stomach and split open my heart, I had this anger and disappointment. These feelings were directed at the disrespectful. The person who felt the need to have two elaborate outfits for each camp. The person who did not put on the headset to listen to the guide. The people who were having a photoshoot on the train tracks. The people who were doing peace signs and thumbs up near the sings and buildings. I was so angry. So disgusted. So astonished that people could be so disrespectful. That they disregard the weight and importance of this place. Respect is my biggest value. And to see none of it present frustrates me. Another thing that astonished me was that our guide stressed how there are no doubts that the Holocaust happened. How could anyone? The buildings. The photos. The writings. The testimonies of people. This is so cemented truth and fact that nobody should be able to deny.

Visiting these concentration camps was the hardest thing I have ever done but I do not regret going. What I have experienced today and all during my study abroad is that I need to realize the entirety of history. Through this realization, I am able to recognize who I am and what I can do to make this world a better place. I will be continually be processing what I saw at Auschwitz-Birkenau and implement what I have learned. Education. Experience. Emerge.

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it" -George Santayana