I Am Not Okay

This is a picture of me contemplating the Church of the Gesu, my favorite church in Rome. Photo credits to my dear friend Maria Laundrie

These words are really hard for me to say. I am an expert at hiding my bad emotions. I can quickly shoot out the word “I am okay” or “I could be doing worse”. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I became a teenager. But the truth is, it is often a lot worse than I let on. I am a high achieving and high functioning person who has become a professional at pushing down the emotions and acting like I am happy and enjoying myself.

These past three weeks have been the worst I have felt in years, if not ever. When midterms rolled around, I was so depressed and fatigued that I barely studied and did not care about how I did. Fall break was a good school break, but mentally I was stressed about planning activities, traveling, and finances. This first week after fall break I got my midterm grades back which were the worst I have ever done in school and there were moments where I felt no respect. Completely powerless in my own life.

I finally broke. I could not possibly hold myself together anymore. I started crying and did not stop for two days. I could barely pull myself together to go to class or be around other people. I had this weight on my chest and could barely breathe. I was barely sleeping.

I know this is not what anyone wants to hear from me. Before I came to study abroad, I only heard good things and I was very hopeful. I thought that I would be living this amazing life in a foreign country. Do not get me wrong, studying abroad is amazing and I do not regret it at all. My mental health was really put on the back burner until this simmer became a boil and now my whole kitchen is on fire because I forget to watch it. Life does not stop because I am studying abroad. My problems still followed me.

I think that this breakdown has been a reality check for myself. I could not hide my true emotions and I confided in a few friends that I really trust with my life. They themselves were shocked. They had no idea that I was feeling this way and would not have known if I did not open up to them. I realized that I do hide a lot of my problems and true feelings, instead of projecting lightheartedness and a happy demeanor. They also told me that I am not alone in my problems. That what I am feeling that they also identify as problems in our community and our lives. They also made it clear to me that I am just taking all of these emotions and problems and taking them on for everyone. I am feeling these things extremely and strongly because I am a passionate person who has such deep care for those around me. After they said this, I could see myself so clearly. I was doing these things and I did not even realize it.

I need to be gentler with myself. I have been holding myself at such hard standards that I have not allowed myself to take a mental break and time for myself. I also decided that I needed to get actual help. Studying abroad is stressful and living in close proximity to the same people at all hours of the day is also very stressful. I am not okay, and I do not know when I will say that I am okay, but I am working towards it. I am taking steps to feel a little bit better. I am creating a schedule for myself. I am going to bed earlier. I am doing and seeing the things that I love. I am taking alone time to just be myself and recharge. I am trying to be more transparent with my feelings to my friends. Mental health will always be an uphill battle for me, but at least I can comfortably say “I am not okay”.

“Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Know that all things are working in your favor. If you take one step toward the light of Spirit, Spirit will take five steps on your behalf” -Iyanla Vanzant