Reflection

As I lay in my bed this Friday night, I hear nothing. Well, not quite nothing. I do hear the sounds of traffic and the whirling of my fan (which I have to have on since it is 75 degrees right now and its already past six p.m.). Do you know what I do not hear, though? The sounds of my housemates who are also my classmates who are also my friends who are also the people I do absolutely everything with. 75% of the Bernardians are already gone, jetting off to different places for their fall break. I am still here. Surrounded by quiet.

It really is a strange feeling to be constantly surrounded by people and then in a matter of twenty-four hours for them to be gone. The positive side is that I have gotten a lot of homework done. The downside is that I miss being surrounded by the people whom I have truly come to love. Another positive side is that I have had enough alone time to reflect on my time here. I have just finished midterms and am now halfway done with my time in Rome. This comes with a range of different emotions from happy, sad, fearful, unbelief, and peace. I am happy because I have learned a great deal and I still have a lot of time left here. One of my professors often reminds us that we are experiencing exponential growth compared to our peers back at home. I have started to realize that and understand how truly different of a person I am. I am happy to be a little bit closer to going home and seeing my friends and family whom I miss very much. I am sad because I do not want to leave. Rome has become my home and a place where I feel comfortable.

Fearful is another big emotion because I sometimes get the feeling that I have not done or seen enough. Fearful that I am going to have a hard time transitioning back home (which is inevitable, really). Fearful that I am not taking full advantage of this experience. I think a lot of this fear stems from what I like to call “study abroad guilt” and the pressure there is to travel every weekend, always be doing something new, and having a seemingly ‘perfect’ life. I think this is something I came to Rome with and soon realized that this is not how I travel or have my study abroad experience be like. I have not left Italy and have only left Rome when it is with the whole Bernardi group as a planned excursion. Some look down at this and think “why is she not taking advantage of the closeness and cheapness of traveling around Europe?”. Trust me, I have gotten this a lot of times and sometimes I ask myself the same question. But I now know Rome like the back of my hand. I have been to so many great sites and museums and churches. I have seen hundreds if not thousands of works of art. This is what I center my life around, and I am perfectly fine with centering my study abroad experience around that too. This is not how many people do it, but I am so happy with the way I am going about it. I truly feel like a Roman citizen and am confident when I walk down the streets.

My unbelief comes from how much time has passed. One moment it seems like it has been 2 seconds since I have left the U.S. and other times it seems like years. I still get flashes of unbelief that I am LIVING IN ROME. And not only that but STUDYING IN ROME. It really is a dream come true and I am so blessed to have this opportunity to be able to do it.

My final main emotion is peace. I have made peace that I have the right to get to know Rome and not travel a lot and that is alright. I have made peace that this will not be my last time in Europe. I am at peace knowing that I have control over my education, where I go in my life, and the opportunities I can take. I have peace knowing that I have made so many new friends and they love me as much as I love them. I have peace knowing that I am loved by God and feel strong in my path towards Him. God has given me a lot of gifts so far this semester and I am so grateful for that.

So, does this reflection have a conclusion? The main thing that I have realized and learned? Not quite. I think reflecting is important because it reminds you of where you have been, what you are doing, and where you want to be going. Going forward, I want to continue to love God fearlessly and with great passion. This faith and being in love with God make me a more loving, giving, passionate, and joyful person. I want to resolve my fears and come to terms with them and make it be peace. I want to take enjoy Rome and feel more at home here than I already do. I want to spend time with my friends and remind them how amazing they are because they have helped me become who I am. I want to confidently be walking towards my future, wherever God may take me.

“Look closely at the present you are constructing. It should look like the future you are dreaming” -Alice Walker